You're Never Too Old to Join the Junior Dodgers!

So it’s Christmas Day. But you wouldn’t know it in Los Angeles. It’s 75 degrees outside. My buddy Todd, a native Coloradan, has lived in the Southland a little more than two years now and the only way he recognizes the changes in seasons is when Starbucks tells him.

Peppermint Mochas? Cinnamon Stick stirrers? Must be the Yuletide.

But this year, Christmas is being wrung in at the Chamberlins’ East Bay home in NorCal. (That’s right. We reside in enemy territory. My mom even admits she roots for…gulp… Tim Lincecum. Ray, put the gun down.)

Nat King Cole serenades us while we sit ankles deep in a pile of shredded wrapping paper and I’m reflecting on the best Christmas gift ever… membership in the illustrious JUNIOR DOGERS, courtesy of my loving father.

Do you remember the Blue Crew? Back in the day, when I was wearing Velcro sneaks and short shorts, I was a proud member of the Dodgers fan club for kids. I remember the day the package came. I tore open the box, examined each item and treasured its contents as if they were fashioned in the bowels of Chavez Ravine by Tommy Lasorda himself. The gifts are emblazoned on my memory.

An 8x10 photograph of Steve Sax, half a dozen stickers and pencils with the Dodgers logo printed on them, a handful of coupons for Farmer John hot dogs, courtesy of the local Ralph’s, and my personal favorite… a Koala Bear dressed in a Dodgers t-shirt and cap, the official mascot of the Blue Crew. The lasting impact that simple fan club kit had on my life was indominable. I worshiped Steve Sax from that point on. His picture lofted on the wall in my room like a baseball god. I cradled that Koala in my arms, perched atop my dresser and embued it with near-idol status in my proud collection of Dodger memorabilia.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I ripped open this mornings gifts and found, neatly packed in an old school Dodgers lunch box with Andre Either and Russel Martin adorning the outside, the proud belongings of a Junior Dodgers member. And lemme tell ya’, the Dodgers fan club has beefed up its gift items since 1987.

The package included a collector’s pin picturing a cartoon Joe Torre on a surfboard, temporary tattoos with the JR Dodgers official shield, a black lanyard with interlocking blue “LA”s, Dodger wristbands (one of which I’m wearing as I type), a Dodger bracelet in the vane of Armstrong’s yellow “Live Strong” bracelets (sadly, its too small for even my dainty wrists), two coupons to the Long Beach aquarium, eight vouchers good for eight free tickets to any Sunday home game in the Lower Reserve section at Chavez Ravine, 3 baseball cards (Jonathan Papelbon, Ryan Howard and Matt Holiday**), a pen in the shape of a baseball bat and a doorknob sign (like the ones you get at hotels that read “Do Not Disturb”, only this one features a Dodgers logo and reads “Jr. Dodger Kicks it Here!” It’s going on my bathroom door, the moment I get back to Boston.) The kit also includes a poorly made baseball in which the “leather” isn’t fully pulled taught around the sphere. My dad suspects that one swing will make the batter look like Roy Hobbs’ first at-bat when lightning struck and he tore the cover off the ball.

And last but not least, tucked in a corner of the lunchbox is a tiny, stuffed Koala bear. Sans t-shirt and cap, but fur with a shade of baby Dodger blue.

Sidenote: Did you know that the Koala Bear is the DUMBEST beast in the animal kingdom? It’s scientific fact. Everybody loves Koala Bears because they’re so damn cute and foundations have been created to save them from extinction but they’re as dumb as rocks. Eucalyptus is a brain cell killer, in the classification of marijuana and Koala Bears feast on it like I feast on my mom’s chocolate chip cookies. Koala Bears are stoned. All. The. Time. The Dodgers would be better served sending stuffed dolls of Cheech and Chong in Dodgers caps.

Anyways, I stand up to be counted. The proudest (and perhaps the oldest) member of the Junior Dodgers. How ‘bout I fly out some weekend this summer and we put those vouchers to good use? Spend a Sunday afternoon at Church and take in a sermon from Pastor Kershaw.

Merry Christmas Raymond! And a Happy Off-Season!

**Who’s minding the store? How curious is the collection of cards placed in the Junior DODGERS membership kit? Not one of them dons the blue. In fact, all 3 (save for maybe Holiday-who is considered a Dodgers hero for dubious reasons, the goat of this year’s NLDS) are Dodger enemies. They might as well have thrown in Matt Stairs and Jimmy Rollins while they were at it. Was it random and out of LA’s control? Was it an accident made by an Upper Deck intern? Was it a vindictive move by a disgruntled Dodger employee? Instead of Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier and Manny Ramirez, I get a Phillie, a Cardinal and a Red Sock. And not just any non-Dodgers. Jonathan Papelbon: the famous closer of the franchise I committed adultery with. Ryan Howard: the famous slugger of the franchise which defeated us in back-to-back NLCS. Only Matt Holiday can be considered a Dodger hero, and he is wearing the opponent’s uniform: the famous goat of this year’s NLDS. He tried to catch the last out of Game 2 with his belly button, the Dodgers put another runner on, then miraculously won the game on a game winning bloop single by Mark Friggin’ Loretta, causing the series moment to shift and me to erupt with such loud bellows of triumph that I woke up a whole floor of blind kids.

There can be only one explanation for this. Mrs. McCourt was sitting beside the pool, putting together Junior Dodger kits together right after her husband fired her.