Divine Pitching ALWAYS Bests Divine Hitting

Excellent Query. To breakdown this matchup, let’s assign each Avatar to a real life ballplayer. To represent Jesus, you need a hurler who dominated the league for a short period of his career, but is still in the conversation as “greatest ever.” You need someone whose career came to an abrupt and tragic end due to bodily harm, trauma or injury. And you also need a pitcher who flirted with flawlessness, whose repertoire of pitches and whose abilities to execute could only be characterized by the word “perfect.” I think the choice is obvious…

Sandy Koufax.

Even though Koufax pitched for the Dodgers for 12 seasons, it was his last four (1963-1966) when Sandy obliterated the National League. During that stretch, Sandy hurled four no-hitters (including one perfect game), won three CY Young Awards, only once had an E.R.A. above 2 (2.04 in 1965), struck out at least 300 thrice, completed 89 games and shut out the opponent in 31 of them . His dominance was as undeniable as it was mystifying. And yet, even though it lasted only a stretch of four seasons, he is always in the conversation when people discuss the “greatest ever.” Sandy’s career “on earth” ended tragically and abruptly after the 1966 season when the strain on his left elbow just got to be too much. The human arm is not meant to be contorted and twisted into the unearthly motion that is the hurler’s pitching motion, and Sandy’s arm paid the price for greatness. As for perfection, in the modern era, only Nolan Ryan has thrown more no-hitters. Koufax capped off his 4th by retiring 27 straight Cubbies, striking out 14 of them, including the last five batters of the game. My father was there, at Dodger Stadium, that night. His father was a Cubs fan. To the day he died, my grandfather always garbled and grumped at the memory of that night in 1965. “The Dodgers only got one hit that night!” he’d gurgle, “and it had nothing to do with the run.”

To represent the Holy Ghost, you need a batter who is foreign, almost other worldly. You need someone mysterious and crafty. You also need a batsman with an unconventional approach and a flair for the peculiar or unseen. I’ve gotta give the nod to a player from our era…

Ichiro Suzuki.

Suzuki was bread in a different brand of baseball, the Japanese game, where pitchers hesitate midway through their wind-ups and batters prefer “hit ‘em where they ain’t” over “hit ‘em out of the park.” Teammates speak of Ichiro as if he’s the stuff of fables, like Roy Hobbs or Mark McGwire. They swear that this leadoff batter, who rarely hits more than 10 jacks a year, can hit them at will during batting practice. Pitchers have a vast arsenal of pitches. Ichiro may be the only hitter on earth with a vast arsenal of swings. Depending on the situation, or the count, or even the pitch, Ichiro will alter his mechanics mid swing to meet the ball and safely send it between frustrated fielders for a safe hit. Since arriving in America, he’s led the American League in hits 6 times out of 9 seasons. He’s never hit below .300 and he’s never hit less than 200 hits in a season. Oh yea, and he’s 5’9’’, 160 pounds. He’s not Paul Bunyan or Babe Ruth, he’s more unassuming. He may not make the highlight reel with a 3-run jimmy-jack to put the M’s ahead for good. But at the end of the day, he’ll go 3 for 4 with a walk, 3 runs scored and 2 stolen bases.

So. How do they matchup? Does Suzuki slay Koufax with a triple into the right field corner? Or does Sandy “K” Ichiro with three straight fastballs?

Here’s how I figure…

While Ichiro has played Stateside, he has been sent back to the dugout on strikes 11% of his plate appearances. Pretty staggering if you consider he’s reached base in 38% of trips to the plate. Frankly, he’s tough to “K.”

Sandy, during his four year stretch of absolute domination, struck out an astronomical 32% of the batters he faced. That’s just a little more than a strike out per inning.

Given these statistics, I’m gonna alter my swing to your fastball and say this… Jesus doesn’t zip a fastball by the Holy Spirit, but the Helper gets a piece of it and fouls out to Moses, whose catching behind the plate.

Which brings me to our next question. If you’re fielding a team full of Bible characters. Who’s playing? And where?